Guide to Rochester MN Bars, Clubs, Nightlife

Drew's Guide to Rochester Bars

Boomers's- Sort of like the kindergarten version of a bar. Complete with primary colors, recess games and nothing imaginative. Great place to witness a white trash wedding reception while sipping cheap Red Label/Cokes and tossing bags (playing Cornhole for the rednecks).

Newt's North/South- Put them together as one. If you like overhyped, oversized $12 burgers and $15 pitchers of beer this is for you. When you stop reading "Rochester Magazine" as if it's the bible maybe you will also stop totally sucking.

Whiskey Bones- Great venue so long as whatever show you go to only fills it up to 1/8th of capacity, terrible sight-lines. Great rail drinks and specials. All you can drink Wednesday night includes all of their 22 beers (all priced half of Newt's prices to begin with). Willing to try shit to get people in the door- viva burlesque!

Whistle Binkies (original)- Do you like strip malls? No, not "strip" malls. Actual strip malls with dollar stores, asian buffets, shit like that? Do you like being told that the special is "out" for the night every time you order it? Do you like old, tube TVs? They bring in some good quality ingredients and have a decent menu but in the end screw it all up.

Glynner's- Shouldn't even be on the list. Great place to go after softball, I guess.

CJ's- OLD CREEPY PEOPLE, CRAPPY MUSIC.

300 First/Redwood room- Don't get me started. Go to the upstairs for happy hour and order the half-priced appetizers and cheap beer just to piss off the wait-staff... wait, why does that piss them off anyways? Go downstairs if you make more money than you know what to do with and are taking a girl with an IQ under 80 on a date?

Chesters- Rub elbows with kind benevolent folk while eating excellent lavash and sipping properly made drinks. Look! an expensive place that doesn't suck, or at least you get something like what you're paying for.

Beer Bellyz- Ever been to a northern Wisconsin gas station/liquor store? Well, this is the slightly handicapped wet-dream of such a place. The gas station feel is still intact but they imported some UFC and threw in some bad rap/dance type music. Obviously this makes for a good place to get in a fight or two.

McGoons- Surprisingly good food, best Guinness, comedy.

North Star- Feels like it hasn't changed since about 1990, great place to catch a rock tribute band. Bad place to be otherwise, or sober(ish).

Kathy's- The default downtown bar. So much wrong with it, but it's still better than most any other option. Terrible rail selection, beer selection, drunk bartenders etc., but your friends will be there even if you can't see or hear them and you just got groped by someone squeezing by!

Big Brads- Like a big suburban living room of beer. Great beer selection and specials. My favorite place to start the night.

Amsterdam- Play fooze with the owner, avoid fights with gangstas- don't pick up their girlfriends... you might even get lucky and get a drink if anyone is behind the bar. Got to respect the techno.

Top Shots- I'm sure it's great for pool league. On the weekend you get tools pretending to play pool and girls who are too ugly for Dooley's stuffed in push-up bras. Big groups end up here because they have big tables and room to talk.

63 club- Tiny, go with friends, eat pickled eggs.

Wicked Moose- Gone country! Unless tonight's show is lip-synching Britney and Madonna or covering Nickleback? Best bartenders, not a great selection. Huge layout is nice.

Whistle Binkie's on the Lake- See above- better location, more potential=bigger disappointment when they drop the ball.

Dooley's- I've heard some call this style of bar a "meat-market"... If this is a meat market I'm going vegetarian and while I'm at it I'm going to get a new hair cut and change my name. Pathetic is the first word that comes to my mind. I guess this is the natural result to "mother mayo" preventing strip clubs from coming into town. We get all the bad parts of a strip club with none of the good, the girls aren't even cute and they aren't making enough money to put themselves through medical school either. Shame on you for considering this soiled garment of a "pub" but if you do make it don't expect anything special from their kitchen, bar or wait staff- at least so far as "traditional" service goes. Only possible redeeming value is late-night menu, but Taco Bell's got that too.


The rest aren't worth mentioning or don't qualify as "bars" to my way of thinking.