Here's how it would go...
1. Start in with controversy from yesterdays post.
Yesterday's (link to said post) about the Minnesota Fixie craze has led to a lot of controversy. Seems people don't like being picked on. When one points out the irony of how long they've been making fun of hipsters and now are doing almost the same thing (link to all matching fat bike ironically not being ridden on snow). Blah, blah etc..
2. Talk negatively about the city you couldn't live without.
Here in MN we are in the epicenter of the fatbike/fixie/ironic cyclocross bike none of which are raced craze (not entirely true, but true in writers myopic gaze). It's just one more sign of the apocalypse (right?). I too love to ride my bike and their culture smears the public impression and generally "grinds my gears".
(possibly link to non-related image here... the one Charly Tri ((this is a link to his blog of course)) uses as his banner with the fat kid might work, it seems on par with the recumbent woman the real bikesnob likes to put in his posts)
3. Reference something else from the past that was funny and vaguely connects
I used to have a pink fixie (link to my valentines day post of riding hills on it) but got made fun of (link to comments/post where it was made fun of) for having "hipster" handlebars and sold it in an attempt to be cool (link to the person whom I sold it to, also possible tie-in to the fact that it was later stolen or lost? Quite possibly thrown into the river after he flatted it whilst in a state of despair after said buyer had a long night at the bar).
4. Reference something else from past that was funny and vaguely connects
Outrage still boils due to the "raphagate" scandal and the lack of SS CX Worlds Tattoos (should have used ironic in that sentence somewhere). A reader (readers forward things all the time right?) forwarded me information about a "fat bike world championships" in upper michigan. This is in addition to the already existing fat bike world championships in Decorah. Obviously the size of the ironic tattoo given to the winner will determine which one is the "real", "ironic" world championships (there I used "ironic" properly). Or perhaps ironic (again!) fat bikers are just trying to follow boxings lead... unification bout anyone? Maybe they can all get together and see who has the matchingest bikes? The overall, unificated, ironic (again!) winner could get this tattoo-
(insert picture of mike tyson with face tattoo, with belt, with fatbike)
5. Something about stupid crap in my city, does not at all connect
Meanwhile green-minded city people are leaving their Hummers (link to picture of Hummer... inappropriate) at home and instead flying their personal aircraft (link to cessna) to the pizza farm (link to article about rich idiots flying their planes to get a "locally grown, organic, sustainable etc." meal).
6. something about other stupid crap in the city, does not seem to connect
Meanwhile the "bird abatement" (link to this same blog where I bitched about this earlier in month) continues unabated (see what I did there?). The $25,000 spent on birds of prey (link to silly cartoon of bird of prey), lasers (link to laser) and high expectations has thus far resulted in... birds dispersing as far away as 3-4 blocks-
(insert image I took yesterday of a few dozen, at least, murders of crows located approximately 1 mile outside of downtown in the middle of my commute)
7. connect the sneakily connected things I set up above
Maybe the best solution would be to invite the private plane assholes to push the crows out... Surely, they could force the crows as far away as simpson, or die trying (image of bird in jet engine, stock photo). I'd be willing to wager that crows are more afraid of airplanes than lasers. I'm sure the well fed (image of stupid rochesterites feeding the crows, geese etc.) crows could be considered "free range" as well.
8. connect with other current events.
You would think that a city with the technology/stupidity to "remodel the river" (insert my previous post and image of them literally remodeling the river with dump trucks and plows) could handle some crows. If not, you'd think anyone with the ability to take such blunt action would probably try dynamite (link to something). Here's to hoping that they dredge up my pink fixie while they are out their remodeling- it's surely cool once again now that the wannabes have moved on to fat bikes.
9. connect with silly product aforementioned
In the meantime I'll continue wearing this stupid umbrella on my head during my commute (no further explanation needed).
10. reference to pro cycling, semi-inappropriate joke, redeeming last take
if all else fails we could enlist Vonsummeren and Dekker (link to stuff about the controversy with regards to them wearing black face last month when dressed as 'santas helper') to help scare the birds off to spring valley (link to spring valley image with sky darkened by crows)... Short of that they could at least bring coal to the city planners (link to how they kicked out the Almanzo).
crow-worshipping gravel crusher of doom (stupid name referencing stupid fake religion)
That would be my take on it. I'm not putting any more time or effort towards actually finding the images, articles etc. above referenced. You can use google if you want to put it all together... all those things are actually happening.
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